如果有一天，她变得更冷漠了，

请记得，她曾经要人陪的时候你都只说忙‥

如果有一天，她变得目中无人了，

请记得，曾经也没有人把我放在心里‥

如果有一天，她不再在乎你了，

请记得，曾经也没人听过天秤的心事‥

如果有一天，她不再对你笑了，

请记得，你曾经也没有问她过的快不快乐‥

幸福真的不是必然的，當你一直認為對方不會走，
每一次又一次的原諒都不懂珍惜，從前相愛，

每天都甜言密語，希望多停留在對方身邊一分鐘，

即使只是多看一眼都好，時不時發短信，

一切都為對方著想‥不說金錢‥連所有時間，
睡眠時間也一樣‥付出所有。

久而久之‥不愛了，熱情過了，

想找她就找她，從前的一切一切都消失了'

一直告訴自己他會改的會改的，

當你認為一切都是必然的時候，那些一切在你不經不覺的時候溜走‥

有時候我想在世界上消失，反正沒差。

沒有家什麼都沒有，也不清楚到底每天的目的是什麼？
上班不快樂，下班回家便睡，已經不奢望和你見面，難得放假，

你說要回家吃飯。除了你需要我的時候，其實問過自己，我是什麼？
若問這樣的感情到底是為了什麼？愛得連朋友都沒有

不知道，但我知道要的起心肝離開是很容易

有一天假若我莫名奇妙的消失了 ，大慨你永遠都不再會找到我，

也永遠不會再回來。因為時候已經碎得一敗塗地‥

我知道真心對待感情的人最終必定會得到幸福，

只是身邊那個人也許不會是你然而。

求主守護我這個很乖又太過善良的人，不要再每天偷偷流眼淚。

不是不去訴說，只是要把一件事從頭說起，很累人，

抑或者是說，自己不知道從什麼時候開始再沒力氣去找誰說，

大慨是從每一次掏心掏肺跟他說出自己感受後‥
每一次得到的零回應時候開始‥

本想高高興興的看化妝品BLOG卻看至哭了。

轉載至xiaxue@blogspot

Nanolove passed away on the 10th of September, 2010... That was a horrific day. Mike and I came home from Tokyo to find that she died in her toy TV. Just one day before my mom went to my place to feed her and refill her water bottle and my mom said she still ate cheese greedily and was totally healthy. :(

However, it is to be expected as she was already over 2 years old, and the life span of her species of hammies only live a maximum of 2 years.

To be very honest when I went on this Tokyo trip I thought there might be a chance she would leave us forever before we came back. I've been dreading her dying since a few months ago. Everytime she sleeps, I'd hyperventilate a little till I see that she's still breathing, and I sigh in relief.

I don't know if it's worse seeing her dead or to see her die, I guess I'd never find out.

On the flight back and even thoughout the trip I kept telling Mike I missed her and that the first thing I do when I get back home was to snuggle her against my cheek.

But when we stepped in, I was busy taking off my boots and Mike got to her tank first. Wanting to cuddle her, he tried to wake her up from inside her toy TV... He flipped the tv sideways when she won't bulge, and I saw her body just drop to the side. I yelled at Mike "Is she dead? IS SHE DEAD?" coz the suspense was just terrible. Not that seeing the look on his face was any better.

I went over and Mike said "Don't look, baby... Don't look." But she just looked like she was sleeping... In fact, her little front paws where placed on top of each other and she even looked cute.

But when I reached out to stroke her furry head she was warm, but stiff... I couldn't stop crying, why the fuck did I go to Tokyo??? I missed out precious time with her... I just thought she'd survive this trip, like she survived my other trips... She was always waiting for me to come home, eagerly.

I read somewhere that Home is not a place, it's a time. And home is when Mike and Nanolove were around the house. Suddenly I didn't feel happy to be back in Singapore anymore, it just seemed so pointless.

By her 2nd birthday, all but one of Nanolove's siblings had passed away, including Picolove, whom my mom took care off since 1.5 years ago (and therefore I wasn't too upset when she died).

I was so grateful she was still with us that I made her a birthday meal!!

Her birthday dinner consisted of a heart sandwich with asparagus and cheese on wholewheat bread, plus a little gummy cake!

There is something very satisfying about watching a hammie eat!



Gummy!!

It was a happy day that day :)

I used to not understand whenever people told me they were sad when their hamsters died. I mean, cats, dogs, yes, but a stupid hamster? I used to have hamsters when I was a kid... They were just in the tank and would bite if you bring them out... So I didn't really care much when they died.

But the amount of bonding I had with Nanolove really surprised me. I didn't know hammies could be held and even like being held... They have very noticeable quirks and habits and they recognise their owners. I fed her fresh food from my hands almost everyday.

I remember whenever I used to cook, my entire "family" at home would be happy. Pumpkin and Nano would get some raw veggies (or meat for Pumpkin) from the session and Mike would love the finished meal. But now Pumpkin is gone and so is Nanolove... I'm cutting up cabbage for my maggie mee and I wanna walk over to give her some but she's not there anymore. I'm tearing away the crust from my bread and thinking "Nano doesn't mind crusts, she's too greedy" but it will just remain a thought never translated into action.

She is so adorable that even Mike couldn't resist her charms... Often she occupies our evening coz we are either looking into her cage watching her gorge herself on food or just poking her furry belly while she lies down on my palm...

Just like that!!

When I was choosing from among a litter of 6 hammies, I held her on my palm and it totally surprised me that she would just lie there calmly for periods of time!! Lying on her back is her favourite position, which is super duper adorable. Picolove would never lie on her back and as far as I know, neither do Nanolove's siblings.

I remember enjoying cleaning her tank for her because whenever I put her back into her fresh tank, she'd be so excited and happy she'd run around for ages exploring. Or Mike and I would sit on the floor with our legs forming a square so she can run inside the space. I love her she holds her food with her pink paws. And she can stuff a total of 11 sunflower seeds in her cheeks.

Speaking of that, whenever Pico and Nano were young I used to give them sunflower seeds as treats. When I gave Pico a seed, she will proceed to bite it open to eat. This takes a while. Nano did the same at first, and whenever the hammies finish opening + eating I'd feed them another sunflower seed. This goes on till I'm bored, usually within 3 seeds.

After a while, Nanolove realised that her human, aka me, has something called impatience. She also realised that when she is done with one seed, she gets another seed. So putting two and two together, she decided from then on to STORE her seeds in her cheek whenever I give her a seed, so she gets another seed immediately!

Meanwhile Picolove is totally losing out coz she is, erm, slower and persists in deshelling her food on the spot.

Smart right?? And that's how I know Nanolove can store 11 seeds at once. LOL

Sigh... She was such a huge part of my life... She was a big reason why I love staying at home.

I did up a college of her photos I took throughout the 2 years...

And a video of her best moments I managed to capture on film:



Will I ever stop feeling sad every time I see her empty tank?



Thanks for being the best pet ever, Nanopuff!


NANOLOVE AUGUST 2008 to SEPTEMBER 2010

We buried her with her favourite puff balls at the field before my block.

I hope you are in hammie heaven now with loads of colourful cotton balls and sunflower seeds and cheese and tunnels for you to explore.

:( :( :(


p/s: I was actually recovering pretty well until I wrote this post and now I'm horrifically sad again wtf

睇完晒又明既比個叻你。問題是睇明唔難，但有心睇完的先難。
WENDY大慨是我第1個遇過對HAMSTER最有愛的人類吧‥只是
從養寵物開始我們都應該知道牠們會離開，只是想起了從共前的
哈姆仔牠們‥因為一個人住‥回家的動力都因為牠們‥沒人對話
而咀巴不用發臭的原因也因為牠們。算了，都不會有誰明白。
哭了‥大慨是觸摸到心脆弱的其中一面，是的。要TOUCH到是不難。
TOO BAD BEATRICE

 

半年總結。

再回來的時候，已經二字頭了。

到哪去了？我什麼地方都沒去，一直原地踏步，

只是那塊地比從前更糟糕。

每一次回來，心都在躺血‥

回不去了從前，回不去了。

現在每晚我戴耳塞眼罩，只露出鼻孔，很難睡，

我三點睡你三點醒來摔東西，為什麼？

為什麼這樣對我，我沒有要求許多許多愛，

或許你沒有得到的東西我也不該奢望你懂得去給予別人。可是為什麼。

你讓我覺得人生痛苦，你給我最大的痛苦是我已經知道我不會去死。

可能沒有你就不會有我，然而你這樣對我。

我還傷心嗎憤怒嗎，沒有，我只是在描述一件事實。

生存是上帝給我們最大的考驗，我付出的愛被丢掉了忘記了，
二十歲，可以做的是在無助的時候，提醒自己不能再想起你能被我依靠著。
我不懂，不懂為何要如此對待身邊你愛的每一個人。

當日的盎然笑臉，都變成了木然。