2015年7月26日 星期日

久別⋯

沒有人會猜到我還會用這裡吧,
世界這麼大竟找不到個容我身之處,
Fb用來看看世界和週邊發生的事,
Ig用來炫耀、標榜自己和紀錄生活的,
微博是我最常會抒發心情的地方,
因為沒什麼認識我的人知道,
而這裡大慨已經被人遺忘了。













發現這裡都沒什麼你和我發生的蹤跡,
我們大概兩年了,
兩個都過了18那麼多年,性格還像個小屁孩一樣,
雙子和雙子的路就像天註定會難行一樣,

分了無數次也分不開,
最近卻突然感到那一天要來了,
所以一早起床便收拾好東西回去了,

因為我很清楚再多的吵架也源於
我感受不到你對我的愛,關心,著緊
只不過兩年未到便變成這樣,
還如何走下去?
你有多久沒想主動拿起手機拍我,
多久沒有花心思在我身上了?

有時候我很迷惘,
我為了得到一個人的愛,保護的感覺
安全感,當我如珠如寶像是唯一似的感受,
我變成了怎樣的人。

那天我一邊幫你從紅白藍膠袋里的衣服雜物褶好 放好
一邊想起我在家從垃圾袋里一件又一件拾媽媽扔掉我的衣物
小心翼翼地 怕弄髒
這種情境很相似,然後在執你的包袱時陌陌流淚
我是不是這輩子都會過這種日子,是不是不會有人珍惜疼愛我,

這晚我回了家 坐在沙發問媽媽 可不可以給我一張被和枕頭
在話句的中段,已經不禁鼻酸怕眼淚吧出來而忍住,很卑微
至從和你一起以後,慚慚地我把自己和很多人推遠
是一種懼怕,怕別人聽到我的難過會感到煩躁
怕別人看不起自己,怕他們覺得我有事才找他們
怕他們心內那一句「又來了」⋯⋯⋯
現在回到家 也怕 家人會覺得我麻煩,或是有事才回家哭

你還有尊嚴還有自己⋯
我的所有尊嚴在星期天你要離開那天早就被你一推一扯弄碎掉了
那我還剩下什麼呢?一副沒用的軀殼,
一副只懂哄你和媽媽笑,安慰支持你們,
卻不懂哄自己笑安慰支持自己的沒用軀殼。

24了,我不是惶恐自己青春快沒有,不是惶恐身邊那個人會不會和我有將來
只是惶恐還要過這種日子多久?誰會出現前來緊緊抱住我 告訴我沒有事的。



這一張是對上一次你拿起相機要拍我的時候⋯




2013年12月31日 星期二

20131231

這一年的最後
不清晰的將來

























而你,更沒想過原來有可能有事情會比以重過的糜爛和頹廢,更差。
還有什麼可以比這22年更糟,我想不到,
還有什麼希望和期盼,最好也想不到,亦再也不會有失望和任何落差。
那種感覺像垂死,頻臨死亡,可是好平靜、好平靜,
那些大道理有誰不懂,
從來從來,我都不需要誰懂,需要誰在身旁,需要誰的安慰,
每次聽到誰的一句「我明」,都會打從心底里笑了。
有很事說出來便沒意思了,真正懂的人在將來,我相信。
20131231晚在家把所有燈關掉,把FB關掉,把WTSAPP關掉,
靜靜的一個人喝點白酒,喝到茫掉再安靜的睡去,
我介掉安眠藥好久了,這樣比起胡思亂想睡不著和依靠安眠藥睡死起
多平靜,多浪漫。




2014是真正踏出社會的事實,祝倩茹我Good Luck .


糟透了的人上 .

2013年6月15日 星期六



有些散落 有些深刻的錯 還不懂 這一秒鐘 怎麼舉動 怎麼好好地和誰牽手 那寂寞 有些許不同 我挑著留下沒說 那生活 還過分激動 沒什麼我已經以為能夠把握 而我 不再覺得失去是捨不得 有時候只願意聽你唱完一首歌 在所有人事已非的景色裡 我最喜歡你 片段中 有些散落 有些深刻的錯 就快懂 這一秒鐘 怎麼舉動 怎麼好好和你過 那寂寞 有些許不同 我挑著留下沒說 那生活 還過分激動 沒什麼我已經以為能夠把握 你知道 你曾經讓人被愛並且經過 畢竟是有著怯怯但能 給的沉默 在所有不被想起的快樂裡 我最喜歡你 而我不再覺得失去是捨不得 有時候只願意聽你唱完一首歌 在所有人事已非的景色裡 我最喜歡你 而我不再覺得 而我不再覺得

2011年11月1日 星期二

如果有一天,她变得更冷漠了,
请记得,她曾经要人陪的时候你都只说忙‥
如果有一天,她变得目中无人了,
请记得,曾经也没有人把我放在心里‥
如果有一天,她不再在乎你了,
请记得,曾经也没人听过天秤的心事‥
如果有一天,她不再对你笑了,
请记得,你曾经也没有问她过的快不快乐‥

2011年10月25日 星期二

幸福真的不是必然的,當你一直認為對方不會走,
每一次又一次的原諒都不懂珍惜,從前相愛,
每天都甜言密語,希望多停留在對方身邊一分鐘,
即使只是多看一眼都好,時不時發短信,
一切都為對方著想‥不說金錢‥連所有時間,
睡眠時間也一樣‥付出所有。
久而久之‥不愛了,熱情過了,
想找她就找她,從前的一切一切都消失了'





一直告訴自己他會改的會改的,
當你認為一切都是必然的時候,那些一切在你不經不覺的時候溜走‥
有時候我想在世界上消失,反正沒差。
沒有家什麼都沒有,也不清楚到底每天的目的是什麼?
上班不快樂,下班回家便睡,已經不奢望和你見面,難得放假,
你說要回家吃飯。除了你需要我的時候,其實問過自己,我是什麼?
若問這樣的感情到底是為了什麼?愛得連朋友都沒有
不知道,但我知道要的起心肝離開是很容易
有一天假若我莫名奇妙的消失了 ,大慨你永遠都不再會找到我,
也永遠不會再回來。因為時候已經碎得一敗塗地‥
我知道真心對待感情的人最終必定會得到幸福,
只是身邊那個人也許不會是你然而。
求主守護我這個很乖又太過善良的人,不要再每天偷偷流眼淚。




不是不去訴說,只是要把一件事從頭說起,很累人,
抑或者是說,自己不知道從什麼時候開始再沒力氣去找誰說,
大慨是從每一次掏心掏肺跟他說出自己感受後‥
每一次得到的零回應時候開始‥

2011年9月6日 星期二

本想高高興興的看化妝品BLOG卻看至哭了。

轉載至xiaxue@blogspot

Nanolove passed away on the 10th of September, 2010... That was a horrific day. Mike and I came home from Tokyo to find that she died in her toy TV. Just one day before my mom went to my place to feed her and refill her water bottle and my mom said she still ate cheese greedily and was totally healthy. :(

However, it is to be expected as she was already over 2 years old, and the life span of her species of hammies only live a maximum of 2 years.

To be very honest when I went on this Tokyo trip I thought there might be a chance she would leave us forever before we came back. I've been dreading her dying since a few months ago. Everytime she sleeps, I'd hyperventilate a little till I see that she's still breathing, and I sigh in relief.

I don't know if it's worse seeing her dead or to see her die, I guess I'd never find out.

On the flight back and even thoughout the trip I kept telling Mike I missed her and that the first thing I do when I get back home was to snuggle her against my cheek.

But when we stepped in, I was busy taking off my boots and Mike got to her tank first. Wanting to cuddle her, he tried to wake her up from inside her toy TV... He flipped the tv sideways when she won't bulge, and I saw her body just drop to the side. I yelled at Mike "Is she dead? IS SHE DEAD?" coz the suspense was just terrible. Not that seeing the look on his face was any better.

I went over and Mike said "Don't look, baby... Don't look." But she just looked like she was sleeping... In fact, her little front paws where placed on top of each other and she even looked cute.

But when I reached out to stroke her furry head she was warm, but stiff... I couldn't stop crying, why the fuck did I go to Tokyo??? I missed out precious time with her... I just thought she'd survive this trip, like she survived my other trips... She was always waiting for me to come home, eagerly.

I read somewhere that Home is not a place, it's a time. And home is when Mike and Nanolove were around the house. Suddenly I didn't feel happy to be back in Singapore anymore, it just seemed so pointless.

By her 2nd birthday, all but one of Nanolove's siblings had passed away, including Picolove, whom my mom took care off since 1.5 years ago (and therefore I wasn't too upset when she died).

I was so grateful she was still with us that I made her a birthday meal!!



Her birthday dinner consisted of a heart sandwich with asparagus and cheese on wholewheat bread, plus a little gummy cake!





There is something very satisfying about watching a hammie eat!



Gummy!!

It was a happy day that day :)

I used to not understand whenever people told me they were sad when their hamsters died. I mean, cats, dogs, yes, but a stupid hamster? I used to have hamsters when I was a kid... They were just in the tank and would bite if you bring them out... So I didn't really care much when they died.

But the amount of bonding I had with Nanolove really surprised me. I didn't know hammies could be held and even like being held... They have very noticeable quirks and habits and they recognise their owners. I fed her fresh food from my hands almost everyday.

I remember whenever I used to cook, my entire "family" at home would be happy. Pumpkin and Nano would get some raw veggies (or meat for Pumpkin) from the session and Mike would love the finished meal. But now Pumpkin is gone and so is Nanolove... I'm cutting up cabbage for my maggie mee and I wanna walk over to give her some but she's not there anymore. I'm tearing away the crust from my bread and thinking "Nano doesn't mind crusts, she's too greedy" but it will just remain a thought never translated into action.

She is so adorable that even Mike couldn't resist her charms... Often she occupies our evening coz we are either looking into her cage watching her gorge herself on food or just poking her furry belly while she lies down on my palm...





Just like that!!

When I was choosing from among a litter of 6 hammies, I held her on my palm and it totally surprised me that she would just lie there calmly for periods of time!! Lying on her back is her favourite position, which is super duper adorable. Picolove would never lie on her back and as far as I know, neither do Nanolove's siblings.

I remember enjoying cleaning her tank for her because whenever I put her back into her fresh tank, she'd be so excited and happy she'd run around for ages exploring. Or Mike and I would sit on the floor with our legs forming a square so she can run inside the space. I love her she holds her food with her pink paws. And she can stuff a total of 11 sunflower seeds in her cheeks.

Speaking of that, whenever Pico and Nano were young I used to give them sunflower seeds as treats. When I gave Pico a seed, she will proceed to bite it open to eat. This takes a while. Nano did the same at first, and whenever the hammies finish opening + eating I'd feed them another sunflower seed. This goes on till I'm bored, usually within 3 seeds.

After a while, Nanolove realised that her human, aka me, has something called impatience. She also realised that when she is done with one seed, she gets another seed. So putting two and two together, she decided from then on to STORE her seeds in her cheek whenever I give her a seed, so she gets another seed immediately!

Meanwhile Picolove is totally losing out coz she is, erm, slower and persists in deshelling her food on the spot.

Smart right?? And that's how I know Nanolove can store 11 seeds at once. LOL

Sigh... She was such a huge part of my life... She was a big reason why I love staying at home.


I did up a college of her photos I took throughout the 2 years...





And a video of her best moments I managed to capture on film:



Will I ever stop feeling sad every time I see her empty tank?



Thanks for being the best pet ever, Nanopuff!


NANOLOVE AUGUST 2008 to SEPTEMBER 2010




We buried her with her favourite puff balls at the field before my block.

I hope you are in hammie heaven now with loads of colourful cotton balls and sunflower seeds and cheese and tunnels for you to explore.

:( :( :(


p/s: I was actually recovering pretty well until I wrote this post and now I'm horrifically sad again wtf







睇完晒又明既比個叻你。問題是睇明唔難,但有心睇完的先難。
WENDY大慨是我第1個遇過對HAMSTER最有愛的人類吧‥只是
從養寵物開始我們都應該知道牠們會離開,只是想起了從共前的
哈姆仔牠們‥因為一個人住‥回家的動力都因為牠們‥沒人對話
而咀巴不用發臭的原因也因為牠們。算了,都不會有誰明白。
哭了‥大慨是觸摸到心脆弱的其中一面,是的。要TOUCH到是不難。
TOO BAD BEATRICE

2011年7月13日 星期三


















































































































































































 















































































































































半年總結。


再回來的時候,已經二字頭了。
到哪去了?我什麼地方都沒去,一直原地踏步,
只是那塊地比從前更糟糕。
每一次回來,心都在躺血‥
回不去了從前,回不去了。


現在每晚我戴耳塞眼罩,只露出鼻孔,很難睡,
我三點睡你三點醒來摔東西,為什麼?
為什麼這樣對我,我沒有要求許多許多愛,
或許你沒有得到的東西我也不該奢望你懂得去給予別人。可是為什麼。
你讓我覺得人生痛苦,你給我最大的痛苦是我已經知道我不會去死。
可能沒有你就不會有我,然而你這樣對我。
我還傷心嗎憤怒嗎,沒有,我只是在描述一件事實。




生存是上帝給我們最大的考驗,我付出的愛被丢掉了忘記了,
二十歲,可以做的是在無助的時候,提醒自己不能再想起你能被我依靠著。
我不懂,不懂為何要如此對待身邊你愛的每一個人。


當日的盎然笑臉,都變成了木然。